I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
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I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
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Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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