I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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