The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
