the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Randomize
