He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
