one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
