someone threw a dead crab at me
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
