Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
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red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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