so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Randomize
