i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
