Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
