whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
