remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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