The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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