Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
