I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
