i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
