So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
