i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
