I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
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