i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
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