I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
