Your face is a jimmy john
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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