i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize
