Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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