you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
