so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
They took my balls.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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