ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Randomize
