I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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