It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
