I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
it's like heaven, but drunker
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
