I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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