Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
