My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
