Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
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She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
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I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
i now understand why vodka
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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