Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
