Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
