Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
