I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
