i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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