I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
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