Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
