Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Randomize
