He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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