A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
