The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Randomize
