I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
