I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
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I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
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There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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