I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
