So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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