i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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