so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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