he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
