I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I could make wine with my vomit
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
