My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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