U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
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all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
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I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
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