She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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